


More Than a Feeling

by Jannrose



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23208667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jannrose/pseuds/Jannrose
Summary: It's been 1500 years since Arthur died and Merlin has given up hope that Arthur would return. Being alive for this long has taken a toll on Merlin but now his wait is over.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys we are Janna and Esme, we are co-writing this fic and really hope you enjoy it. The first chapter will be Merlin's POV

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping and the sun shining just over the horizon and I sighed. The king sized bed groaned as I got up and looked outside through the sliding glass door from my room. Everything looked calm and serene, which totally contradicted how I was feeling. I sighed again, I was tired, not that I didn't get enough sleep tired but the bone deep soul crushing tired. The tired that made you want to curl up in a ball and die. At first immortality was an exciting thought, that didn't last long, only 3 days. Days after Arthur’s death, when I was laying in my bed in shock, it hit me that I would have spent my entire immortal life without Arthur,without everyone I love and with the guilt that I couldn't save him and the floodgates opened.

_Flashback: Days after Arthur’s death_

_I was laying in my chambers, it’s been 4 days since Arthur’s death and I’ve been lost in my grief. Soul crushing grief. Nobody could bring me from my state of shock, not Percival, Giaus or even Gwen. I just lay there almost emotionless when I was hit by reality. I was immortal and Arthur was gone. My whole purpose of life was Arthur, to care for him, to protect him and he was now gone. Legend says he’ll come back one day but I just didn’t believe it. One day I would lose everyone and would be alone for the rest of eternity. I let out a raspy breath and I lay there as tears started falling down my face. No matter what I did I would always lose everyone that I tried to become close with even in the future. I was slowly becoming overwhelmed by emotions and I couldn’t seem to stop the tears, breathing became hard and I started coughing uncontrollably, I just wanted to curl up and die. I think I might have been wailing loudly, as I heard a rush of steps and through my tears, I saw the blurry figure of Gaius. He reached for me but I just wanted to be left alone in my misery and scrambled away from him. The last thing I remember is Giaus gently pouring a sleep drought down my throat and then darkness._

_End of Flashback_

I pulled myself away from the sliding glass door into my room to prepare for work. I splashed my face with cold water taking a deep breath. Everyday was the same. I was just going through the motions. When I was finished washing up I exited the bathroom and entered the bedroom again. I opened my closet in search of something to wear so I could change at work when my eye caught the sight of my old tattered neckerchief. Yet again I swallowed back my emotions and grabbed what I was looking for, an old t-shirt and a pair of denim jeans. Closing my closet door I got dressed and moved over to my mirror. I looked at myself and saw how tired I looked. I wanted to just curl up and never get up again but I can’t, there are people out there that need my help. Sighing I pulled myself away from the mirror and dragged myself to the front door where I pulled on my shoes and grabbed my car keys and walked out to my garage. When I got there I unlocked my red mercedes benz and got in. Closing the door I put the keys in the ignition, opened the garage door and made my way to work. Within 15 minutes the hospital was in my sights, I got my pass and accessed the personnelle parking. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I stood in front of the surgery schedule board and saw I have 3 surgeries scheduled for today. I am the head general surgeon of the hospital. When the magic ban was lifted in Camelot I became court sorcerer but I still learned everything I could from Gaius. Over the years I liked helping people through magic and medicine and I kept up with the current practices. I made it my life's mission to help people and when magic became less prominent I kept helping using only medicine. Now magic is a myth and with the wealth I accumulated over the years I put myself through school and learned to be a surgeon. An added bonus was that the hours were long and unusual which kept me busy because when I wasn't in surgery, all I could think about was Arthur, Gwen, Gauis, the knights and everybody I loved over the years. 

“ Dr.Cresswell!” I sighed, I knew that voice anywhere. I turned to see Dr. Lila Ainsworth walking towards me, her natural red hair bouncing in her ponytail.Lila was one of my neighbors and co-worker. She tries so hard to be my friend and it’s not like I don’t like her, I just learned my lesson and have not formed an attachment to anyone, because I know I will lose them eventually. She never gets the hint that I don't want to be around her and to be honest I think she fancies me. 

“ Dr. Ainsworth, Good morning” I said

“Lots of surgeries today for you I see” she smiled and I nodded

“Later I’m making some lasagna and garlic bread and some dessert, Dr.Porter, Nurse Jackson and Nurse Oriso are coming over. Would you like to come? We would love to have you” 

“No thanks” I said back

“Oh come on” she begged please 

I shook my head “I’m sorry but no”

“Live a little! Make some friends please?” She looked at me begging

“I’ve had friends over the years” I trailed off trying not to get emotional “they left just like you guys will eventually” I told her ending the conversation and walking away.

“Wait!” She called but I didn’t turn around, I just kept walking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Time of death 7:43 pm” I called out and stared in shock, as the patient was wheeled away. This was my last surgery today and was going well until suddenly it wasn't.In the chaos I didn’t get the opportunity to secretly use my magic and save her. It’s been a while since I've Iost a patient. I was good at my job and at times used my magic to save the patients from dying, because of my low death rates I was one of the most sought out surgeons and if it was within my expertise I would help almost everyone that asked for me. That’s why it was such a shock that I couldn't do anything to help the girl, who was only 18. I washed and stepped out of the OR. 

“Emrys” I turned to see the Chief of Surgery, Dr.Charlie Weber approach me. 

“ I just heard about your surgery, you can’t save everyone, so don’t dwell on it. I need to talk to you in my office” he said. Am I in trouble? He must have seen the confusion on my face and chuckled 

“ Relax you’re not in trouble, I just need to talk to you about something” I nodded and followed him

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I turned off the ignition of the car as I entered the garage. Instead of going inside, I went to the backyard in desperate need of fresh air. I sat at the edge of the heated pool and my thoughts caught up to me, like they always did. What was the point of living? I was just going through the motions everyday. Arthur is never coming back, I have accepted that fact. All the bullshit about him rising again when Albion’s need is greatest is so fake. He didn’t rise when the Black plague swept through and killed a shit ton of people. He didn’t rise when WW1 or WW2 happened, if those weren't good times to rise, then I don’t what is. My thoughts turned from Arthur to Hilda. One of the many people I had loved, this one especially 

_Flashback: 8th Century--About 200 years after Arthur’s death_

_I was sitting at the round table, a meeting was in session. Beside me King Arthur the 3rd was talking about trade with Mercia. As court sorcerer with some considerable knowledge in the field of medicine and an immortal, I was an important figure in the court and one of the closest advisers to the king. After Arthur died and Gwen was left as Queen she had to produce an heir at some point and it was with a heavy heart that Gwen decided to marry Sir Leon. She grew to love him but Arthur was always in her heart. She bore two children, a boy which she named Arthur and a girl which she named Alice. Since Merlin was close to Gwen, he was therefore close to her children and their children, which is how he ended up as the closest adviser to the past and current kings. Though none of them were like Arthur. I tuned back into the conversation_

_“ Agreed Sir Aldwin, in a fortnight we shall ride for Mercia and set these terms. This is all for today. You’re all dismissed” We all got up and bowed as we left the room._

_“ Lord Merlin” said one of the Guards and I turned to him in question._

_“ Yes? What is it?”_

_“ Their is a lady waiting for you in your work chambers, she said it was important” I raised my eyebrows_

_“Did she happen to say who she is?”_

_“ No m'lord” I dipped my head in thank you and headed for my work chambers. I opened the door and stiffened when I saw it was Agatha. I spent the night with her a couple months ago and never talked to her again. I have no idea why she would want to talk to me now._

_“Agatha” I said stiffly. A look of surprise crossed her face_

_“You remember my name?” I nodded but did not offer any explanation_

_“ I’m sorry to bother you but it’s important……I’m pregnant and it’s your” I paled and my mouth was wide with shock_

_“ Ar..are you sure?” She nodded_

_“ It’s a girl”_

_End of Flashback:_

We had named her Hilda. I had hoped my immortality would pass down to her but alas she aged like everyone else and when her time came, the loss of her was equally as painful as losing Arthur, maybe even more. It was painful to see her age and knowing I would outlive her. I loved her more than anything and it was when she died that I realized what I felt for Arthur wasn't just a friendship, I loved him and I wish I could have realized this sooner and confessed this to him.. Tears slipped down my face. I looked down at the water. How hard would it be to just drown myself, I don’t think I could keep on living like this. I’m more of a robot than a person. Maybe I should drown myself, maybe I will finally be at peace. I stood up and was about to jump in, when I heard my doorbell ring throughout my house. I sighed and went to see who it was.

There stood Lila with leftovers.

“We wished you had come...Merlin it's clear someone hurt you badly but….we want to help...let us help you” She said handing over the food.

“Thank you Lila but” a tear fell “I can’t let people in” I was about to break down so I shut the door and slid down bringing my knees to my chest and broke down sobbing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are parts taken from the script from Merin. We fully knowledge that we did not write those nor take credit  
> Sorry if it's a bit short

“ARTHUR!’’ I woke up screaming. I was sobbing and struggling to breath twisted in my sheets. I looked to my left to look at the clock.

3:09 AM

I dragged myself out to the kitchen and made myself some tea to calm myself down. I was sitting at my kitchen table, my head in my hands thinking about the dream I had just had.

_Arthur stood in front of me soaking wet looking pale and ghostly._

_“You lied to me! You filthy warlock! You traitor! To even think I thought of you as my best friend” He walked up to me anger burning in his eyes._

_“Arthur please” I sobbed_

_“NO!” He yelled getting in my face “I should've killed you the moment you showed up in Camelot” I fell to my knees not looking up sobbing my eyes out when another voice spoke behind me._

_“You could’ve saved him” Gwen_

_“It should have been you!” Leon_

_“Gwaine, Lancelot Elyan and Arthur are all dead because of you!” Percival_

_“You were never my son nor did I ever care about you! You were a burden!” Giaus_

_All of their voices echoing in my head. I clutched at my head covering my ears_

_“SHUT UP!” I yelled and like that all of their voices disappeared._

_I was alone in an empty black void when I heard a voice but could see nothing_

_“Just hold me please” Arthur said_

_“There's something I want to say…_

_“You're not going to say goodbye. I said_

_“No, Merlin...Everything you've done. I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build..._

_“You'd have done it without me.”_

_“Maybe. I want to say...something I've never said to you before...Thank you”_

_“Arthur...No! Arthur! Stay with me Arthur! Arthur. Come on. ARTHUR!_

I lifted my head from the table. Sometimes my dreams are of all the times Arthur and I had together, it was never anything like this.

Without even thinking I stood up and headed to my room and began to pack a bag. I threw in clothing and some food and water. Once I was done I grabbed another pair of shoes as I was putting mine on. Next I walked into the kitchen and called work.

“I need two days off, have Dr.Ainsworth cover my surgeries. ” I hung up the phone and walked back into the foyer of my home and found my keys. I started to make my way to the garage and again unlocked my car. I threw the bag in the back and started it and left the house. 

I wasn’t even thinking of anything, I just wanted to go to Lake Avalon. I don’t know why, that place brings me even more pain than anywhere else but I had to get there. When I finally arrived it was around 4 AM. I parked my car and walked to the edge of the lake sitting down. I stayed like this for a couple minutes 

“Arthur” I said 

“I miss you...I need you... please Arthur please come back to me” I lay there near shore, head in my hand. How did my life get to this point?

“Emrys” said a voice and I looked up from my hand and glanced around to find where that voice came from. My magic tingled and all the sudden, the sky was filled with many bright shooting stars and it took me a moment until I realized it was a meteor shower. It was so beautiful and I smiled a tiny bit. It was gone after a couple minutes. Just when it ended I heard a rustling in the water. I looked down to see a dark figure wading in it. With the little light I had I saw they wore what appeared to be chainmail and a red cape. My heart skipped a beat. It can't be Arthur, maybe it was just a late night swimmer. Any doubts were squashed when they spoke 

“Merlin is that you? Where am I? ” I was so stunned by the familiarity of the voice that I didn't comprehend what he had just said for a moment. My brain finally caught up with me. I let out a sob

“Yes it’s me” I sprinted into the lake and crashed into him. Hugging him so tight. Tears couldn't stop slipping down my face. In this moment it was like the weight of the universe was suddenly lifted from my shoulder. That at least for a moment everything was ok.

“Merlin, are you ok, what happened?” he said into my shoulder and I reluctantly stopped hugging him. I sniffed and composed my voice. 

“ What do you remember?” Arthur's face became pensive as he tried to think.

“ I...I remember being at this lake….you were holding me and I th..I think I died?” I nodded my head. Arthur looked even more confused

“ If I died, then how am I back?”

“ The prophecy states that you are the Once and Future King. For when Albion's need is greatest, you will rise again” Arthur looked down, trying to absorb this all. His forehead crinkled 

“ Merlin, what are you wearing?”

“Ummm”

“ Wait how long was I dead?” I froze, oh shit.

“ Maybe we should get out of the water, we wouldn't want to get a cold” I tried to change the subject. Obviously it didn't work

“ Merlin, tell me” he said exasperated” I looked away

“Sire I don’t think that is a good id…”

You idiot, just bloody tell me!!” I swallowed and met his gaze.

“ 1500 years give or take” I saw Arthur go completely still. He stayed silent for a couple minutes. I was starting to get cold.

“Arthur...say something” Arthur looked up.

“1500 years…..that means everyone, Gwen, Leon, Percival, Giaus all of them are dead…..how are you alive Merlin?” he whispered

“ I’m immortal” 

“ You have been alive for 1500 years?” 

“ Yeah”

“ Waiting for me?” His tone took me by surprise, as if he didn’t expect me to wait for him, after all we have been through

“ Always "

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoyed please leave a review!


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